Worthless

Worthless

I am worth less than a mothers love

I am worth less than understanding

I am worth less than time to understand

I am worth less than money to pay the bills

I am worth less then loyalty

I am worth less then fidelity

I am worth less then biting words untamed

I am worth less than the plate hurled at the wall

I am worth less than your collectables

I am worth less than your comfort

I am worth less than your health

I am worth less than your entertainment

I am worth less than common decency

I am worth less than your respect

I am worth less than your anger

I am worth less than your self-control

I am worth less than you

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One Step Closer

One Step Closer

One step closer to being free from his chains

Something holding my back that I can’t explain

Anger and revenge were my meat and drink

Sustaining me though the initial healing

 

Now all I want is peace and hope of a better love

So how do I follow through with something so against my nature

Without the revenge and anger feeding me

And motivating me to make him pay

 

Knowing my worth, not affected by him

Can I finely let go and just move on

Chasing instead after the hope of new love

And the peace of knowing my value in God

 

A pearl of great price, a treasure worth cherishing

Why would I seek revenge when I have everything

 

So as I take one step closer to being free from his chains

I’ll let nothing hold me back and make me retract

Anger and revenge were my meat and drink

But now I know he’s not worthy of me

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Shooting Our Wounded

Shooting Our Wounded

Tired, lonely, don’t want to fight

Just want to be held and cherished tonight

But that’s not in the cards or part of God’s plan

Instead I’m filling out paperwork, glass of wine in my hand

 

Not how it’s supposed to be, so I’m shunned

Even though you were the one who sinned

I would have been happy to be yours forever

But every vow you were determined to sever

 

So now I am the one left defending my right

To find happiness and a lover’s delight

While you have moved on before ink is even dry

And all of your wrongs you flatly deny

 

Something is wrong when we blame the wronged

And find delight when their suffering is prolonged

But the wolf is let go with a simple “I’m sorry”

And the very next day you’re meeting for coffee

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It’s Been a Year…

It’s Been a Year…

This isn’t exactly a poem but it is a list of all the little things that I have gone at least a year without and I am so grateful

 

It’s been a year since I was hit,

Or lived in fear of the next slap

It’s been a year since the cops last got called

Or knocked on my door because of a report

It’s been a year since I have gotten a call from CPS

Or had to lie through an interview to protect myself

It’s been a year since I have had to “check in”

Or explain to anyone why work ran late or traffic was long

It’s been a year since I was forced to preform

Or please him when I wanted to say no

It’s been a year since I have seen a plate fly against the wall

Or heard someone complain about my cooking

It’s been a year since I have been referred to as a bitch

Or been told that I was worthless and wanted by no one

So even with all the ups and downs, pain and heartache

It’s been a wonderful year

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Disappear

Disappear

Sometimes I wonder if I were to disappear

How long would it take before it was noticed

Would they assume I was around somewhere

And just being anti-social

 

Would they understand that I want to be searched for

But I don’t want to be found

Could they conceive that I want to be missed

But I don’t want to be disturbed

 

Not trying to be difficult just sometimes I wonder

Am I really loved or are they just using me

Or am I that anointing kid that’s always tagging along

And they would all be better off if I weren’t around

 

Sometimes I wonder if I were to disappear

Would I be missed or would it be a relief

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Self-Destruct Mode

Self-Destruct Mode

I am broken beyond repair time to self-destruct

Now that I have gained control of my life

I must destroy what is left

I am broken beyond repair time to self-destruct

 

Sex, sex everywhere but this time I’m in control

I will use them for my pleasure and then let them go

Hurt for so many years just for his pleasure but not any more

Sex, Sex everywhere but this time I’m in control

 

Abandoned religion God hates me anyway

I will burn in hell for all I’ve done

So let’s throw a party now

Abandoned religion God hates me anyway

 

What is down is now up my world is all askew

So self-destruction is my only option

Knife to my wrist, deep upward cut

What is down is now up my world is all askew

 

Who will stop me one second before the end

Because it’s close counting down from ten

I really don’t want this but I see no other way

Who will stop me on second before the end

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Failure and Success

Failure and Success

Falling away from the Lord

Abandoning all hope in Him

Idolizing the world and the glitter it offers

Letting it tell me I’m worthless

Under the spell of pursuing happiness

Reaching goals at any cost

Ending my life and giving up

 

Salvation through Christ alone is mine

United with Him, His will is mine also

Crying my heart broken over sin in my life

Crying my heart broken over lost sheep

Even my enemy I will learn to love

Stripped of pride I trust in Christ alone

Saved by Grace I am a princess

 

I am not a failure; I follow God and give Him all that I have

I am not a failure, so why do I feel like one

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